Saturday 6 May 2023

Remembering Mum.

RIP Priskila Titin 

Mother

Born 30 June 1956

Deceased 27 April 2023

Laid to rest 1 May 2023


Hello again, Blogger. Been a while. 

I needed a place to compose something in a longer format, with not too many readers, but somewhere I can "bottle up" my feelings and let it drift away. And seeing as Blogger is still a thing (oh hai!), here I am.

My Mum, Priskila Titin, passed away peacefully 10 days ago on 27th April 2023 at the age of 66 (or 67, if you follow my Dad's school of thought - she was born 30 June 1956, so do the maths yourself).

The last week has been like a reset button for my relationship with my Dad and my family. I moved out in 2019 when I joined Tanamera, and stayed apart throughout the pandemic to protect my Mum who has a number of co-morbidities (diabetes and asthma). And even after the borders reopened and we all got out boosters, my schedule involves frequent travelling between Singapore and Bali, meaning I am not always in Jakarta. Only very recently, I started living back in my parent's house, namely the night before an early flight, as their house in North Jakarta is closer to Soekarno Hatta Airport than my apartment in South Jakarta. So I wish I could spend more time with my Mum, but I think she knew she didn't have to worry about me. If I survived my schooling years away from her, you'd think I will be fine as an adult.  

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
I got asked this question so many times over the past 10 days, I wanted to record and play whenever someone asks this question. But anyway, this is the text version, summarised from accounts by my aunt who was by her side, my Dad, brother and my memory of 27th April. This is as good as I can summarise. 

Thursday morning. She woke up like any normal day. Except my Dad noticed she had very red eyes. She said it’s probably an allergy from her shampoo. She went out with her sister/my aunt, firstly to Meiji a clothes shop in Muara Karang, then to Tzu Chi Hospital in PIK to get an eye doctor appointment. 

The wait for the doctor was long, but the conclusion was that it was nothing serious. The doctor prescribed her some eyedrops, and off she went. 

By this time, it was maybe around 12pm-1pm. They’re hungry, they went for lunch at Putu Made in PIK Avenue, a mall opposite the hospital. Not long after placing their order, my mum felt shortness of breathe. She used her inhaler but either it ran out or she didn’t feel it working, even after multiple pumps. 

My aunt said she tried to find another inhaler but no luck. They deducted it was best to go home, even though the food has not arrived. 

Around 2pm. They went down the escalator, with my mum holding onto her chest. While waiting for the vehicle at the mall's West Lobby, she collapsed. She was brought to the hospital ER. 

Doctor reported that it was likely her heart had stopped for > 10 minutes, so the prognosis is not great but they managed to get a pulse back. 

My aunt managed to unlock my Mum’s iPhone to ring my Family WhatsApp Group. My Dad & Eldest brother Robert picked up. They heard my aunt cry and say come to the hospital immediately. They did so. (I was at the FHA showfloor at that time)

Few hours later, my Dad and eldest brother were in the hospital with my aunt. He shared screenshots of the chat with a doctor on our family WhatsApp. Apparently, the doctor suspected a heart attack.

Few hours passed. Robert rang my 2nd brother and I via WhatsApp. I was in Singapore at that time, and my 2nd brother in Japan with his wife and kids for Lebaran holidays. He updated on our Mum's condition, and told us to be on standby to come back to Jakarta. We ended the call. At that time, I was just heading back from MyVillage in Serangoon Gardens.

Less than 2 hours after the first call, as I got back to the place I was staying in Singapore, there was another group WhatsApp call amongst my brothers. The news broke. We lost our Mum.

The report from the hospital was as vague as it can get: "death in the hospital from a non-communicable disease". And while the doctors seem to suggest asthma-induced cardiac arrest, looking at the bloated stomach, asthma, and no indication of a stroke or blockage in the coronary system, compounded with the timing / lack of a proper lunch, we were suspecting GERD as a likely cause of her death.

THE DREADED FLIGHT HOME
I got a ticket back to Jakarta that night, landing 11pm Jakarta time, straight to Tzu Chi Hospital to see my Mum before being moved to the funeral home. I held her icy cold arms and brushed her frizzled curled hair, as I asked why she had a bloated stomach and welped without giving a damn to whoever else was in the room with me (there was my Dad, eldest brother & sis-in-law, a few of my cousins, uncle, aunt and brother's friends). 

As the hospital staff prepared to take my Mum to the transport ambulance, I dried my tears, and we prepared to go to the funeral house for the funeral preparations. By this point, we were into Friday as midnight passed.

There, we booked the hall (we got one hall for the first day, which turned out to be too cramped for the number of visitors that came), and picked the casket. We showered the body, selected the clothes out of the few my sis-in-law picked from my Mum's wardrobe, and also debated about burial vs cremation (and where to bury). All in, we were done at around 4am, including a supper stop at Wing Heng Dim Sum (that place was busy...).

The first day was pretty rough, between the lack of sleep, lack of space (it was cramped), and the empty casket (we wanted to give my 2nd brother and his family time to mourn in private, and he could not land earlier than 4pm on the Friday, so most of the day, the casket laid empty). 

I won't go on about the conversations I had over the following days, with people I know now and in the past with links to myself or my Mum. But if I can summarise some things about my Mum's life...


MY MUM
She was a big-hearted, loyal and simple-minded person. She loves giving, and she loves making people around her happy, especially if it involves church (she is loyal to her GBI CK3 church), partying (between her Ibu-Ibu Gaul, Mediterania Ladies, PM Swimming friends via my Dad, and Lie Family Christmas gatherings) and having a big feast (she doesn't like alcohol unless it's Ice Wine). The fridge and dining table in my folk's house is always full when she's around.

While she does this, at times she does open herself to abuse, where people take advantage of her generosity. The Chinese saying 得寸进尺 sums up what I mean, and I don't think I need to divulge details here at this point. And sometimes she can go too far. My brothers and Dad often complain to her to limit her shopping habits, as they become excessive or overly repetitive. Can you imagine eating the same dish for 6-7 days in a row?

But my main takeaway from her is her loyalty and commitment to anything she does. 

She donated to the GBI church in Mangga Dua Square just as it was starting up, and served the church right up to the COVID period when she started fearing the virus (there was a rebellious stage when we told her to stay at home but she went anyway. Only when people close to her succumbed to the early variants and in some cases die, then did she stop going in-person).

Not forgetting the fact that she has been by the side of my Dad for 44 years, polio legs and all. She has been by his side for so long, the hole she leaves behind is noticeable as I accompanied my Dad these few days in light of her absence. I remember the first few days, he was still telling me and my sis-in-law about the last this/that that she prepared for him around the house - the last lunch prep (chopped kailan, garlic and oil ready for my Dad to stir-fry), the last breakfast (egg and toast), the last purchase she made (the eye drops), the last dress she wore (this multi-coloured dress with spider prints), the last fruit she bought for the house (mango and kolang kaling), the last trip to Puncak with her friends (just 4 days before her death), etc...

When we looked back at her last day, we realised we could not have expected that day to go that way. At noon, she was hungry but still walking fit. By 4:14pm, she breathed her last. If we were anticipating her passing, of course my brother and I would not have been overseas. Yes, she has underlying health conditions, but all involved long-term issues - diabetes, blood pressure, gout, etc.  And she was exercising more, taking a cocktail of medications to control them, and (very gradually) changing her diet to be a bit more in line with what the doctors suggest. 

Who knew life could fade within 4 hours?

In some ways, perhaps God was being kind to her. Apart from lizards, my mum is very afraid of needles and ICU beds. When my grandma was spending her last few days in ICU, my mum kept saying she wished she would not go through the same thing in her last days. Well, her death was short and needle-free, which felt like the way she would have wanted to go.

MOVING ON...

My Mum leaves behind a very successful husband, 3 capable sons, 2 of whom have given her 3 grandsons and 1 granddaughter. She also leaves her brothers and sisters, some based in Malang/Surabaya, some in Jakarta. 

My mum was buried at San Diego Hills, a cemetary in Cikarang. We believe her soul is with our Great Creator above, considering the good that she has done to the people she has touched.

Mum, terima kasih untuk doa, berkat, kemurahan hatimu dan komitmenmu terhadap Tuhan dan keluarga. Ku harap satu hari kita bisa jumpa lagi, dan kamu tetap gembira.

Mum, thank you for your prayers, your blessings, your generosity and your commitment to God and to family. I hope to see you again some day, joyful as always.

Wednesday 31 December 2014

da ron files - it ends with a 2014 retrospect

So, it appears I have run out of ideas for what to include in my New Year's Resolution. Yes, I keep coming up with more-or-less the same things relating to my life - work/studies, fitness, finances, personal stuff, etc. But really, setting these targets so early in the year is pointless in 2015, given I don't really know what will come my way. In short - things don't always go according to plan, so rather than bogging my self down with a list of things to check off (which isn't a proper "plan" anyway), I'm not doing a 2015 resolution.

In fact, with my day job and whatnot, I see no point in continuing this blog. Look, if you want to follow my (sometimes delightful - admit it) blabbering, you're probably following me on Twitter or Instagram, rather than this dreary old medium circa 2006 when dial-up was still socially acceptable.

As such, this is my last New Year's Resolution in retrospect on da ron files.

2014 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: In Retrospect

Academic
> Get at least a Merit for my MSc.
> Become an MPhil/PhD Candidate.

Finance
> Get funding for the PhD.
> Don't ask my parents for more funds.


Fitness
> Cycle a total distance of 365km with an app or my Heart Rate Monitor.
> Cut down on my chocolate, crisps, salt, Haribos and alcohol.


Personal
> Be nicer to others.
> Cut down on procrastination.

And with the end of this sentence, comes the press of the period key on my keyboard, for this project that was started by a teenaged me, for the last time.

Tuesday 15 July 2014

Looking ahead

I figured it's not healthy to bottle things up. So this blog post is more of an outlet, than reading material - that's the only reason I'm writing this blog post.

Anyway, with the health warnings out of the way, let's begin.

I didn't get onto the PhD programme I applied for.

Which is a shame. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, since I only sent one application and did not look elsewhere. (And to be fair, I never assumed the PhD was a 100% in-the-bag thing). As it turns out, it was down to the lack of willing, able and available supervisors at the institution that shall go un-named (those who know me already know which one I am referring to, of course).

I was warned that this was possibly going to happen. And I should have listened. But I was warned in March 2014, when I completed and submitted my application in February 2014. I did not have time to prepare other applications, and even if I did, the deadlines for funding had long gone by March in some cases. So, really, there was nothing I could have done in 2013/2014, to apply for a programme which commences in 2014/2015.

The last year, I've been (very seriously) considering settling in the UK – by the time I finish my PhD, I would have been here for 9 years. If I get a 1-year extension on my visa and/or a teaching contract, I might be able to apply to settle after I(that's my understanding of the visa rules, anyway). Even if I didn't meet the 10-year rule, I figured my 4 years here might let me meet people here that I can start a family with.

In any case, I now find myself in a rather scary situation where I don't know what to do next. Or am I? Because I went into the application process, knowing that at the back of my mind, I've always had a back-up option. Admittedly, it's one I have been running away from, but it's one that has always been there – going back to Jakarta to help the family.

My whole life has been one where I am uprooted from one nation to another every few years – first, when I was 6, I left my kindergarten classmates to move to Singapore. When I was there, I switched school after 1 year because I was moving to live with my mum's friend. I only felt comfortable when I got to stay at St. Andrew's from Primary/Junior to Secondary School, but then the "uprooting" happened again when my folks have had enough of me living in Singapore with my guardians. Brighton, Exeter, London – I made, lost, and remade connections over the 5+ years in these 3 cities. It felt strange to think that I'm now living with a friend whom I met in Brighton. Or that I still keep in touch with friends I met in Exeter.

If the last few days, I seem as if I'm more "in-the-shell" and less interested in things, I'm really sorry. Perhaps it's just separation anxiety - I've experience it a couple of times now. And perhaps I'm nervous. Nervous that I'm about to move into a country which I claim to be where I'm from, but have absolutely no other connection with.

People tell me that they're jealous of me because I get to experience all these things, studying abroad. The downside is often an untold one (and often an ignored one, because they tend to only affect spoilt brats like myself, I guess). You spend so long in other places, when you come "home", you have no friends or contacts apart from your family, your family's friends, and those you meet at work, or while you were abroad (this bit, I'm not exaggerating - my only real Indonesian friend is probably Josh Irwandi).

It's going to be interesting to see how the next few months pan out. I'm scared. Of course I am. But then again, as my mum kept telling me (mind you, she really wants me to return home to Indonesia), I probably felt the same when I first moved to the UK. And look where things have gone.

Times like this make me realise how thankful I should be for all the friends I've had over the years. I've been really fortunate to meet some interesting people along the journey, and whilst I can't lie about "never forgetting any of you" (because my memory's recently been tested - and proven to have failed), I definitely cherish them like I cherish a really good wine - in the moment, because you know it'll end at some point, until the next time round, assuming there is a next round.

And whilst I feel sometimes like I'm losing touch with my faith (for a number of reasons, I've felt let down over the last few years - but I really don't want to discuss this here/now), I've grown up with the belief that God holds the future in his hands. And I'm glad He does, even in the darkest, most uncertain of times, to give the sense of a safety net.

If this post hasn't made any sense, I did say - this is just an outlet for me. But I'm just glad I've managed to organise my thoughts (admittedly, in a very 2004 way). And to be honest, I don't care if people know how I'm feeling right now. Like I told my friend Robin last week - don't feel sorry for me, because I'm not in the worst position out of everyone you know. I'll be fine, because I'm fortunate that way. I'm bruised in some ways, but t'is but a minor scuff, really. And yes, I'm being a drama queen, but seriously, what did you expect from a blog?

Enough chatter. Let's just get this done and over with*.

* By 'this', I mean life. And by 'done', I mean going through the different stages in life, not (as I suspect some of you might be thinking) bringing it to a halt (oh, come on, suicide is selfish and pointless anyway).

Sunday 29 June 2014

Half-Time Analysis: 2014

So, as some none of you may have noticed, this blog has been in a somewhat dead state, with the only life support system, in the form of my New Year's Resolutions and half-annual reflections, keeping it alive.

Given we are now at the end of the 6th month of 2014, I figured this is the right time for another blog post. Starting with that new year's resolution I penned so thoughtfully in January 2014...

Academic
> Get at least a Merit for my MSc. 

[pending]
> Become an MPhil/PhD Candidate. 

[pending]

Finance
> Get funding for the PhD. 

[as above, pending]
> Don't ask my parents for more funds. 

[I really underestimated how much living in London would cost (by £2k). Now I know better.]

Fitness
> Cycle a total distance of 365km with an app or my Heart Rate Monitor. 

[Well, according to Strava, as of 22 Jun 2014, 4:45pm, I've done 613.3km. Adding on the miles I've done in 2013, and my commute, I've probably paid less than £1 per km I've ridden on my bike.]> Cut down on my chocolate, crisps, salt, Haribos and alcohol. 
[We're only halfway through the year, so this won't be 100% achieved until Dec 31st. But for now...
Chocolate: less than 10 bars. Went up during exams, but apart from that, not weekly anymore.
Crisps: hardly buy them (swapped crisps for bread and hummus. 
Salt: Can't really quantify, can I? 
Haribos: think I've only bought 4 packets of them, so no longer a weekly purchase. 
Alcohol: Well, what with London prices and the fact that I have the tolerance of a 22-year-old - i.e.: very low, I've really cut on alcohol this year. Which is good.
Overall: looks promising.]

Personal
> Be nicer to others. 

[I am trying. I promise.]
> Cut down on procrastination.
[Well, I killed my social media accounts in April to help me focus on my long essay. Then things went pear shaped in May.]

In summary (out of 8)...
Succeeded: 1.
Pending, optimistic: 1 (the snacks and alcohol)
Pending, unknown: 3.
Pending, pessimistic: 2 (the "personal" ones)
Failed: 1.

Ah, rubbish.

Tuesday 31 December 2013

2013 in retrospect, and looking ahead...

REVIEW: 

Generally, 2013's been somewhat mediocre, and even though it should have been eventful (what, with my graduation), it turned out to be otherwise. Let's look back and see what happened, shall we?

January
So the year started with me planning my future. Or more specifically, which University would I be doing my Masters? I was putting together my personal statement for LSE, Exeter, Rotterdam/Erasmus, Nottingham, although I only sent in LSE and Exeter in the end. But it was a nerve-wrecking feeling, to not know where you will be in 9 months' time – much like what I am experiencing now. Thankfully, Exeter was quick to offer me a place - 14 January, to be exact. Masters, here I cometh.

February
Guild Elections month. I remember I may have lost my cool and, well, got a bit upset with how one of the nights went (Guild President debate, if I remember correctly - technical issues that weren't really issues - the issue with lack of preparation time and trying out new systems). Also, with each major event, I knew the clock was ticking for my time with Xpression and as Head of Production was coming to an end. Also, my 21st Birthday at the Vic was, with all due respect, a sweet yet awkward affair where almost everyone I knew was there, and while the plan was to head to Arena after the Vic, I actually felt a bit unwell (read: chundered - my alcohol tolerance was at an all-time low, following 21 dry days). I remember Nick Howe and Matt Bate taking me home, and we just played Slinky at my steps before I went to bed. An understated 21st Birthday. Oh, have to mention a special thanks to Alex Manning for abandoning his Valentine's Day plan with his girlfriend to come to my Birthday thing (I wouldn't recommend that).

March
March started with the news that I had been waiting to hear – The email from LSE came through, and I had received a Conditional Offer - an Upper Second Class (2:1) and I'm in. This was great news! Yes, I did consider running for XpressionFM Station Manager at this point, because I assumed LSE would reject me because it's been so long, but the offer sealed the deal - it's a rare opportunity, and I've been yearning to get to a less distracting (no offence) academic environment, I can't let this go. So, the Media Elections came and went, and I started winding down my Head of Production role.

April
I don't remember anything exciting happening in April, apart from NaSTA - took photos for it, and actually enjoyed the event - made me regret not getting involved with XTV more in my 3 years in Uni. Anyway, apart from NaSTA, I don't recall much else apart from revision and dissertation. Well, I say "dissertation", I actually went up to my supervisor and we discussed the possibility of getting an extension, seeing as I have 4 exams in May, and I did have a big sample for my paper.

May
Exams finished 18 May 2013 - my final undergraduate examination. And then there was the last ditch attempt to finish my Dissertation by 31 May. Flipped my body clock so I don't get distracted. And, apparently, it paid off. But to be frank, by the time the paper was in, I didn't care. In fact, I stopped caring 4 hours before I submitted my dissertation - I couldn't think properly, and I had no heart in reading through the 10,000 words to spot mistakes by that point. It was painful, to say the least.

June
Post-exams, and I'm still in the UK, enjoying the warm summer in Exeter as a graduand with no commitments. There was the Xmedia Awards, Sushi Night, Paignton Zoo, Beach Trips (went to Exmouth at least twice, and got sunburnt), watched E3 Press Conferences in the A&V Hub, Sushi and board games, and a trip to London for Wimbledon... sort-of.

July
Family got to the UK (barely - visa was only approved the Friday before the weekend they were leaving), and on Tuesday, t'was the Graduation ceremony. Change the world, I shall try, Baroness Floella. Starting with... the final Cheesy Tuesday (Lord, that was emotional - to think I'll never experience it ever again in the capacity of an Exeter student. And Nik, if you're reading this, my penultimate Cheesy Tuesday was much better - that's the one where it was just the two of us. :P). Anyway, post-graduation, the folks and I went to London to see where I'd be for my next stage of education - LSE. Looked around the campus, bought my core textbook, and jetted back to Jakarta.

Back home, I went to the family firm's office to shadow my brother. Had a bit of a tiff about staying in Jakarta to work for the company or, well, otherwise.

August
Work. Oh, and travelling! Because my parents are old and I've got nephews, and apparently, this is the new craze amongst upper-middle class families in Indonesia, we went on a cruise around Alaska. Think you've seen the photos on my Flickr, so I won't blabber on. It was... alright - not my thing, considering my age...

September
Visited Exeter for Freshers' Week, then moved and settled in London, in time for the start of my Masters - Shakespeare's Head and George IV beared witness to the start of new friendships.

October
SRA Nominations Announcements. Massively disappointed, not gonna hide it anymore - thought we'd get more than 2 nominations, but I guess it goes to show the calibre of entries and the competitiveness of the awards.

November
Student Radio Awards. Not gonna lie, 2012's was better. Not only because we won a Gold and got up on stage. Mainly because we went in with lower expectations and the night itself wasn't as enjoyable, once you've lost the magic of being an SRA virgin. Ah well... T'was probably my last, anyway. But in any case, congrats must go to Gareth Jones and Laurence Foreman for the Silver Award in the Best Entertainment Programme category - Wake and Bake shall live on...

December
My worst hangover ever - thanks to Mark Brazil for that - his birthday party was... well... mental.

Also, Christmas! Had a big dinner with my coursemates. (Some of us ended up in Tiger Tiger. That was fun.) Got the train back to Exeter to fix some Xpression stuff and to meet up with old friends. Came back to London, packed my stuff, and then left again - this time, on a plane towards Düsseldorf. For the first time in 10 years, I was back in Amsterdam and Germany - the last time I was in these countries, I was 11, and my grandma was still (barely) alive (she sadly passed away soon after we returned from the trip). Went to places I haven't been to in Germany - Berlin, Cologne, Düsseldorf. And to be fair, Amsterdam has changed somewhat in the last 10 years, and I don't remember much about where I went, so that didn't matter. Met up with Callum, Nik, and Timon. Did all the touristy stuff, had idle conversation on a Berlin S-Bahn, and learnt a bit of German alongside.

Came back, had a friend from my St. Andrew's School, Singapore days (i.e.: Reuben) over in London. Had a reunion-of-sorts with others from SAS as well - Alex Choo, Sara, and while we were in Leicester Square, I actually met someone who was my classmate back in Primary School, and is now at the same Uni as me! Small world indeed...

--- --- --- --- ---

So, that's a year in summary. Before looking ahead to 2014 with my new year's resolutions, I thought I'd score 2013 against the targets that I set myself at the start of the year...

2013 New Year's Resolution...

Academics & Job Prospects: 3/3
  • I will graduate with a 2:1 minimum, and a 2:1 minimum in my dissertation.
    (Got the 2:1, and a First in my dissertation. Ticked.)
  • I will keep in touch with my friends from Exeter.
    (Gone back 3 times, still actively in touch with people at Xpression, yeah, got this one covered.)
  • I will make it to a Masters Programme.
    (Yep. LSE, MSc Accounting, Organisations and Institutions.)
Society Stuff: 1.67/3
  • I will do a Breakfast Show in the new term.
    (Included this as a plug, apparently. Cheated.)
  • I will contribute to the best damn Guild Election Coverage, Varsity Coverage, and Busking Culture Show. (Didn't do much for Busking Culture, bar making a promo. Apart from that, 0.67/1.)
  • I will hand over every thing I do for Xpression by March.
    (Yeah, like that ever happened.)
Personal Life and Finance: 0.5/4
  • Personal Life Resolution 1
  • Personal Life Resolution 2(Not disclosing what these two resolutions are publicly - they are on my private blog, for the record. But I definitely achieved #1, although not to the extent that I had hoped, and I did not achieve #2 - that's all we need to know for the purpose of this tally.)
  • I will make it a point to do some form of exercise every week.
    (For as long as I shall live, resolutions like these will never be fulfilled. You'd think I would know this by now, but apparently not.)
  • I will not buy any tech stuff worth over £250/€250/S$500/US$400/IDR4,000,000. (Doesn't include bikes and cars, but does include Apple products, phones and whatnot. The only exception to the rule that I will allow is a Canon 24-70mm f/2.8L ii USM Lens. Apart from that, nothing over the above-stated prices. Subject to change, with currency fluctuations.)
    Broke this one when I bought the Lumia 1020.
Total: 5.17/10. Decent. But not great.

--- --- --- --- ---

Now, looking forward...

2014 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION...

Going a bit more generic with some of these... and more quantified with others.

Academic
> Get at least a Merit for my MSc.
> Become an MPhil/PhD Candidate.

Finance
> Get funding for the PhD.
> Don't ask my parents for more funds.

Fitness
> Cycle a total distance of 365km with an app or my Heart Rate Monitor.
> Cut down on my chocolate, crisps, salt, Haribos and alcohol.

Personal
> Be nicer to others.
> Cut down on procrastination.

That's it from me. Happy New Year, folks.